Infertility Sensitivity
Over the course of Aaron and my almost two year infertility journey we have received a lot of support, but have also felt quite misunderstood when expressing our grief. We wanted to point out and talk about some common statements from various situations of infertility that can be insensitive from our point of view. No one is perfect, and I am sure we have been insensitive to others at times, which we try not to be. But maybe by refraining from some of these statements we can show more sensitivity and compassion to those going through this trial.
First off, infertility pain is REAL, it’s like a disease. Many of those who have not gone through it, do not see it that way.
“Infertility is a loss. It’s the loss of a dream. It’s the loss of an assumed future. And, like every loss, it will be grieved.”
—-“it has only been two years, just be patient, don’t stress.”—-
—-“be grateful for what life has given you”—-
—-“you have beautiful children already”—-
Yes, it has only been two years. Is there a time mark for when it is ok to grieve? Just because we haven’t been trying for years and years doesn’t mean we don’t feel agony or sadness. While we are very grateful for the wonderful life we have, it does not fill the emptiness in our hearts from not being able to expand our love into a family. Or just because someone has already had a child doesn’t mean they are not allowed to grieve. No matter where anyone is in their infertility journey, they are still experiencing a loss.
—-“you guys are still in school, what’s your rush?”—-
Yes we are still in school. Yes I am just starting a career which I love. No it is not the perfect ideal situation to have kids. But anytime to want to have a loving family is a good time. You do not need to be perfect to have a family. And grieving and expressing sadness does not mean you are impatient or rushed. It just means you are sad. Those who go through infertility are probably some of the most patient people. Just waiting and waiting month after month, or year after year. We are allowed to grieve in our waiting.
—-“life doesn’t always give you what you want.”—-
We want to fill that space in our hearts that is yearning to grow with love. It is true however, life does not always give us what we want. Leaving us with this void that is empty. We are allowed to be sad for the emptiness of that space.
—-“Down the road you will be able to eventually afford options like adoption or medical interventions.”—-
Yes, down the road. Meaning, not anytime soon. Not being able to experience the growth of love for your spouse as a parent, anytime soon. Not being able to fill that achy void, anytime soon. Not being able to experience the bond between husband and wife that becomes so much closer when you become parents, anytime soon. We are allowed to mourn for the love we are so ready to give but have not yet experienced.
——“Oh I know you just want to be a Mom so bad”—-
This is not necessarily a bad statement, but it is missing another half. I do want to be a Mom very bad. However, we feel it is common that the woman in the relationship is often the only one who gets recognized for wanting to be a parent and therefore the only one that is experiencing great despair. Yes the woman is the one who physically carries the child. But the man goes through the exact same grief. I see first hand how much my husband wants to be a father and how he would make the best Dad in the world. And I see how it hurts him that this opportunity is delayed. It's not often you hear a man's point of view on infertility. It affects both partners emotionally and physically. Feeling like our bodies are broken and that you are unable to do what comes so naturally to others. It breaks your heart. Both hearts.
Below are the thoughts from my sweet husband:
“Firstly, we share our thoughts on infertility and choose to be open about it because we know, as Marisa said above, that this is a trial in our life. Trials can be overcome through faith and they are given to us as ways to grow. We choose to look forward with that faith, knowing that the future can be bright, which makes talking about something difficult not so hard. And as Marisa stated, we want to be able to help others that might be going through something similar.
But again, that doesn’t diminish the fact that this is a rough time in our lives, and it has affected me just as much as it has affected Marisa. Part of the pain I feel is similar to the thoughts that Marisa shared about me. I want to see Marisa be a mother so badly. She’s the most caring, compassionate, sweet person I know, and so far, I am the sole beneficiary of those wonderful qualities of hers in our little family. She is going to be the most amazing mother, and my heart longs for the day that I can see her share that love with our children.
And I can’t wait for the day that I can be a dad. Ever since we decided to start trying for our family, I’ve had these images in my mind of life as a dad; playing sports with a child, going to the movies with them, seeing the happiness of our son or daughter witnessing everything in life as brand new and exciting. I know that day will come, but for now, it is still just in the undetermined future. And that hurts. Wanting something and eagerly thinking that it might be relatively soon, but having the rug pulled out from under you and being told who knows when that future would be. I see a lot of my best friends already having these experiences and I am so happy to witness that blessing in their lives and share in that happiness with them, but at that same time there is an emptiness inside me, knowing that I personally won’t have that for who knows how long. That’s the struggle of infertility. Yearning for the start of something wonderful but not knowing when, if, or how that something will finally come along.”
—-“Do you have to have kids because of your religion? Is that why you want them?”—-
For those not of our LDS faith, it can seem that Mormons have a reputation for popping out kids. So naturally this statement comes up. No. We are not forced to have children. We believe our Heavenly Father has a plan for each individual and family. For some that includes being parents in this life, and for others it does not. We want children because it will bring us JOY. Not for the sole purpose of our religion. For us, Aaron and I want children to grow closer together, expand our love, and have that joy of raising a family.
This is what our Heavenly Father wants for us as well. He commanded Adam and Eve to multiply and replenish the earth. So they could have joy in their posterity. Heavenly Father knows that having children is one of the things that will bring us the utmost joy, and he wants us to be happy. He knows this because we (his children) bring them that joy. I say them because we believe we have a loving Heavenly Father AND Mother. As well as our loving brother Jesus Christ.
We celebrate the importance of parenting and raising a family as it should be. With this however often comes the statement,
—-“Oh, when you are parents you guys will understand”—-
Sometimes motherhood and fatherhood can feel like a secret club that those who are going through infertility can feel excluded from. Yes there are aspects that drastically change when you physically have children of your own. However we believe our Heavenly Father has given each man and women the divine attributes of parents. Patience, nurturing, protectiveness, etc. Many of us have these attributes and can understand a lot more about parenting than some may realize.
“Eve was named the mother of all living before she had any children”.
And despite all these trials, we are not hopeless and in despair all the time. We hope and believe that when the time is right it will happen for us. One of my favorite quotes is from Cinderella:
“No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dreams that you wish will come true”
Also, we LOVE to be around kids!! And we want to hear all about your children and pregnancies! We don’t burst into tears when anyone mentions a baby ;p We love celebrating others’ happiness and blessings :)
First off, infertility pain is REAL, it’s like a disease. Many of those who have not gone through it, do not see it that way.
“Infertility is a loss. It’s the loss of a dream. It’s the loss of an assumed future. And, like every loss, it will be grieved.”
—-“it has only been two years, just be patient, don’t stress.”—-
—-“be grateful for what life has given you”—-
—-“you have beautiful children already”—-
Yes, it has only been two years. Is there a time mark for when it is ok to grieve? Just because we haven’t been trying for years and years doesn’t mean we don’t feel agony or sadness. While we are very grateful for the wonderful life we have, it does not fill the emptiness in our hearts from not being able to expand our love into a family. Or just because someone has already had a child doesn’t mean they are not allowed to grieve. No matter where anyone is in their infertility journey, they are still experiencing a loss.
—-“you guys are still in school, what’s your rush?”—-
Yes we are still in school. Yes I am just starting a career which I love. No it is not the perfect ideal situation to have kids. But anytime to want to have a loving family is a good time. You do not need to be perfect to have a family. And grieving and expressing sadness does not mean you are impatient or rushed. It just means you are sad. Those who go through infertility are probably some of the most patient people. Just waiting and waiting month after month, or year after year. We are allowed to grieve in our waiting.
—-“life doesn’t always give you what you want.”—-
We want to fill that space in our hearts that is yearning to grow with love. It is true however, life does not always give us what we want. Leaving us with this void that is empty. We are allowed to be sad for the emptiness of that space.
—-“Down the road you will be able to eventually afford options like adoption or medical interventions.”—-
Yes, down the road. Meaning, not anytime soon. Not being able to experience the growth of love for your spouse as a parent, anytime soon. Not being able to fill that achy void, anytime soon. Not being able to experience the bond between husband and wife that becomes so much closer when you become parents, anytime soon. We are allowed to mourn for the love we are so ready to give but have not yet experienced.
——“Oh I know you just want to be a Mom so bad”—-
This is not necessarily a bad statement, but it is missing another half. I do want to be a Mom very bad. However, we feel it is common that the woman in the relationship is often the only one who gets recognized for wanting to be a parent and therefore the only one that is experiencing great despair. Yes the woman is the one who physically carries the child. But the man goes through the exact same grief. I see first hand how much my husband wants to be a father and how he would make the best Dad in the world. And I see how it hurts him that this opportunity is delayed. It's not often you hear a man's point of view on infertility. It affects both partners emotionally and physically. Feeling like our bodies are broken and that you are unable to do what comes so naturally to others. It breaks your heart. Both hearts.
Below are the thoughts from my sweet husband:
“Firstly, we share our thoughts on infertility and choose to be open about it because we know, as Marisa said above, that this is a trial in our life. Trials can be overcome through faith and they are given to us as ways to grow. We choose to look forward with that faith, knowing that the future can be bright, which makes talking about something difficult not so hard. And as Marisa stated, we want to be able to help others that might be going through something similar.
But again, that doesn’t diminish the fact that this is a rough time in our lives, and it has affected me just as much as it has affected Marisa. Part of the pain I feel is similar to the thoughts that Marisa shared about me. I want to see Marisa be a mother so badly. She’s the most caring, compassionate, sweet person I know, and so far, I am the sole beneficiary of those wonderful qualities of hers in our little family. She is going to be the most amazing mother, and my heart longs for the day that I can see her share that love with our children.
And I can’t wait for the day that I can be a dad. Ever since we decided to start trying for our family, I’ve had these images in my mind of life as a dad; playing sports with a child, going to the movies with them, seeing the happiness of our son or daughter witnessing everything in life as brand new and exciting. I know that day will come, but for now, it is still just in the undetermined future. And that hurts. Wanting something and eagerly thinking that it might be relatively soon, but having the rug pulled out from under you and being told who knows when that future would be. I see a lot of my best friends already having these experiences and I am so happy to witness that blessing in their lives and share in that happiness with them, but at that same time there is an emptiness inside me, knowing that I personally won’t have that for who knows how long. That’s the struggle of infertility. Yearning for the start of something wonderful but not knowing when, if, or how that something will finally come along.”
—-“Do you have to have kids because of your religion? Is that why you want them?”—-
For those not of our LDS faith, it can seem that Mormons have a reputation for popping out kids. So naturally this statement comes up. No. We are not forced to have children. We believe our Heavenly Father has a plan for each individual and family. For some that includes being parents in this life, and for others it does not. We want children because it will bring us JOY. Not for the sole purpose of our religion. For us, Aaron and I want children to grow closer together, expand our love, and have that joy of raising a family.
This is what our Heavenly Father wants for us as well. He commanded Adam and Eve to multiply and replenish the earth. So they could have joy in their posterity. Heavenly Father knows that having children is one of the things that will bring us the utmost joy, and he wants us to be happy. He knows this because we (his children) bring them that joy. I say them because we believe we have a loving Heavenly Father AND Mother. As well as our loving brother Jesus Christ.
We celebrate the importance of parenting and raising a family as it should be. With this however often comes the statement,
—-“Oh, when you are parents you guys will understand”—-
Sometimes motherhood and fatherhood can feel like a secret club that those who are going through infertility can feel excluded from. Yes there are aspects that drastically change when you physically have children of your own. However we believe our Heavenly Father has given each man and women the divine attributes of parents. Patience, nurturing, protectiveness, etc. Many of us have these attributes and can understand a lot more about parenting than some may realize.
“Eve was named the mother of all living before she had any children”.
And despite all these trials, we are not hopeless and in despair all the time. We hope and believe that when the time is right it will happen for us. One of my favorite quotes is from Cinderella:
“No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dreams that you wish will come true”
Also, we LOVE to be around kids!! And we want to hear all about your children and pregnancies! We don’t burst into tears when anyone mentions a baby ;p We love celebrating others’ happiness and blessings :)
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